Have you ever wondered how a birthmother gets to be a birthmom? I mean, it's not like she plans from her early childhood to be one when she grows up. This is certainly not something a young woman strives to be. What is it like? How does she live with herself? Here are answers to five of the most commonly asked questions.
First of all, yes. Placing a child that you carried and birthed with someone else to raise is sad and hard and difficult and forever. This isn't one of those decisions that you can go back and change your mind on in two months or five years. It's forever. In my case of closed adoption, that meant I would possibly go through the rest of my life never knowing anything about my daughter, never knowing what she looked like or thought about or anything.
Secondly, no, I never forgot about her. Adoption is final, yes. But it's not like I just turned the page and went on with my life. Life forced me to move on due to its linear nature, but I carried that grief and pain and shame and guilt and whatever else there was with me with every move I made. For so long I beat myself up over my poor decisions. I hated myself for my inability to care for my own child. But God poked through the clouds and showed me that He didn't hate me. He didn't blame me. In fact, He knew all along what I was going to do and He loved me anyway.
Now this next one is getting better, but I still occasionally hear people say that so-and-so 'gave her baby away'. Ok. That's not how it happened then, and that's not how it happens now. I placed my beautiful daughter with a family of my choosing. They were married, educated and had a dog. Whether or not they stayed married is not something I could control. I could only do the best I could do on the front end.
I've counseled a lot of women who have told me, to my face, that they would rather abort the child they are carrying then place him/her with a family. "How could you do that?" they will ask me. How indeed. I've had to rely on God a lot. A lot more than I thought I would. I'm strong, but there's a limit.
Finally, the question "Does it ever get easier?" The answer is an emphatic no. It never gets easier. In fact, it seems like for me the opposite has been true. It seems as the years slipped by, it got harder. My daughter's 17th birthday was incredibly difficult for me, which doesn't really make any sense since it was so far down the line. But there it was. And I was a wreck.
And after our first child was born. That was a hard time, too, because I kept thinking "I totally could have handled being a mother".
So there is some food for thought. Next time you encounter a birthmother, have some compassion on her. Even if her exterior is hardened remember she is most likely hurting on the inside.
First of all, yes. Placing a child that you carried and birthed with someone else to raise is sad and hard and difficult and forever. This isn't one of those decisions that you can go back and change your mind on in two months or five years. It's forever. In my case of closed adoption, that meant I would possibly go through the rest of my life never knowing anything about my daughter, never knowing what she looked like or thought about or anything.
Secondly, no, I never forgot about her. Adoption is final, yes. But it's not like I just turned the page and went on with my life. Life forced me to move on due to its linear nature, but I carried that grief and pain and shame and guilt and whatever else there was with me with every move I made. For so long I beat myself up over my poor decisions. I hated myself for my inability to care for my own child. But God poked through the clouds and showed me that He didn't hate me. He didn't blame me. In fact, He knew all along what I was going to do and He loved me anyway.
Now this next one is getting better, but I still occasionally hear people say that so-and-so 'gave her baby away'. Ok. That's not how it happened then, and that's not how it happens now. I placed my beautiful daughter with a family of my choosing. They were married, educated and had a dog. Whether or not they stayed married is not something I could control. I could only do the best I could do on the front end.
I've counseled a lot of women who have told me, to my face, that they would rather abort the child they are carrying then place him/her with a family. "How could you do that?" they will ask me. How indeed. I've had to rely on God a lot. A lot more than I thought I would. I'm strong, but there's a limit.
Finally, the question "Does it ever get easier?" The answer is an emphatic no. It never gets easier. In fact, it seems like for me the opposite has been true. It seems as the years slipped by, it got harder. My daughter's 17th birthday was incredibly difficult for me, which doesn't really make any sense since it was so far down the line. But there it was. And I was a wreck.
And after our first child was born. That was a hard time, too, because I kept thinking "I totally could have handled being a mother".
So there is some food for thought. Next time you encounter a birthmother, have some compassion on her. Even if her exterior is hardened remember she is most likely hurting on the inside.
Birthmother and family therapist Terri Gake has been sharing her story of unplanned pregnancy and adoption for over 10 years. Formerly on staff at two different pregnancy resource centers, she has written articles for their newsletters as well as At the Center magazine and AAMFT's Family Therapy Magazine.
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